It Hurts.

The legendary Bob Marley once said, “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” However, when a song seems to accurately detail a sad part of your life as if you wrote the song yourself, you tend to feel (and sometimes relive) the pain. Emeli Sande’s “Hurts” reminds me of my last relationship. A relationship that ended badly (well at least for me) as my girlfriend of almost 2 years decided to cheat on me. To get a better understanding of how I felt, I’d suggest you listen to this song first.

Being in a long distance relationship wasn’t easy. To be honest, it was hard. Most of the time it hurt. In a year of 12 months, I would probably get to see her for 4 months. The other 8 months were hard but she was worth the wait. Despite my close friends’ belief that our long distance relationship was a waste of time, I was determined to stay faithful.

When I first asked her out, she made me promise that I wouldn’t toy with her heart like an action figure. As a result of my promise, I went to great lengths to stay faithful and reassure her that I wouldn’t break her heart. I stopped hanging out with all my female friends. Not because I can’t be trusted around women but rather because I didn’t want her to worry. For example, I met a girl in my final year in varsity. We started walking home together occasionally as we both lived off campus. Since my house was the first stop, I would offer to walk her to her house as I wasn’t comfortable with letting her walk the rest of the way home alone at 10 in the evening. One night, she invited me inside her house. I thought to myself, “Hmm. Is she for real? Is she up to something? Nahh this could lead to something. I don’t want to cheat on my girl. But what if I’m being paranoid? She’s a really nice girl. What if she genuinely just wants to chill? Maybe she just needs some company. Let me give her the benefit of the doubt. But wait… Even if we are just innocently chilling, how would my girlfriend feel if I told her I was alone with a female friend at her place at 10 in the evening?” After having this debate in my head, I politely turned down her invitation and went home. A few days later, the same girl invited me for dinner at her place. Once again, I politely turned down this invitation and explained to her that my girlfriend would not be happy if I accepted her invitation. She was just one of the myriad of temptations the devil threw my way.

As time went on, I had friends try to set me up with other girls because these so-called “friends” didn’t believe in my relationship with my girlfriend. Friends I hadn’t talked to in months would often ask me, “How’s your girl? You guys haven’t broken up yet? How is it that you haven’t cheated on her already?” As usual, society always expects the guy to screw up. I felt offended by these remarks but I couldn’t blame them. I myself knew men were ruthless savages as I witnessed friends/colleagues cheating on women over and over again without exhibiting a single ounce of remorse. Henceforth, I couldn’t be mad at them for mistaking me for one of them.

When I found out about my girlfriend’s cheating, It wasn’t the break up that followed that hurt me. It was the fact that she cheated after all the things we went through and all the extra measures I took to stay faithful to her. It’s as if she forgot about all the special moments we shared. The daily 6 hour skype calls. The cuddling at the cinemas. The 10 hour dates we had almost on a daily basis whenever she was around. The tryst. The prayers over skype calls at airports whenever I was about to get on a plane. The bracelets we bought each other to which we both engraved “Mark 10:9” in addition to each other’s names. The unconditional support I gave her when she spent most of 2015 sick with a condition that had the potential to develop into terminal illness. The times I skipped class so I could comfort her and help her with her assignments during her sickness. The night of her medical operation when I went on my knees and cried in prayer as I begged the Lord that her medical results wouldn’t test positive for Cancer as was previously suspected.

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The only time in my life I cried while praying was for you! The longest prayer I ever had was for you!  Have you forgotten?

It’s as if she forgot all that. It’s as if all those moments meant nothing to her. It’s as if all those “I love you” texts she sent me were nothing but lies. She made me promise that I wouldn’t hurt her yet she went on to hurt me instead. I guess we really are hypocrites by nature after all. I guess people will always mistake one’s loyalty and faithfulness for weakness and neediness. I know I’m not God’s gift to women, but I did my absolute best to be the perfect man for her. I tried being the nice guy and look where that got me. Absolutely NOWHERE! All it did was leave me with A MILLION THOUGHTS AND A broken HEART!

“It hurts the way
That you pretend you don’t remember
It hurts the way
That you forget our times together
Like the time
Laid in bed when you said it’s forever, baby
I can’t, I can’t explain no more

 

 

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