Abusive Brain

As an introvert, you easily fall hard for that guy/girl you like. Circumstances say “You can’t have him/her.” Maybe because they are in a relationship already or they don’t like you back or you work together. You come to terms with it but your brain being the jerk that it is decides to keep your crush locked up in your brain. You know you need to forget about this person and move on, but your brain keeps this person on your mind 24/7 as it constantly reminds you of the forbidden fruit you can’t have.

See when you have no one to talk to your brain often becomes your BFF. However, this BFF can easily go from zero to a hundred real quick and turn into this bully you always had to duck under the table from whenever you came across him/her during lunch break in Junior High. When you need to forget about a crush, your brain keeps this person locked up in the “Maximum Security Guantanamo Bay” area of your mind. Yep, you aren’t going to forget about him/her that easily. You can thank your brain for that. Instead of feeling great about your achievements, your brain would rather point out your failures. Logic would tell you that the only reason you’re alone is because you’re an introvert and you prefer to be alone. Your brain on the other hand will say to you, “Who are you kidding? The only reason you’re alone is because noone likes you, you ugly, fat/skinny, boring, *insert negative adjective here* weirdo. As a result, most introverts tend to be insecure about how they look even if there is absolutely nothing wrong with how they look.

My brain abuses me almost on a daily basis. Life feeds me with a lot of negative experiences which my brain then uses as fuel to torture me. This is why I find it hard to cope with normal things like failure & rejection. Those who look at me can’t see the emotional scars and mental bruises. When I try to explain what my brain does to me they barely understand me. They just look at me like, “Ooh he graduated top of the whole of the Engineering Faculty. What a genius!” They only see the positive effects of a strong mind. They don’t see the negative effects when I am all alone in my room with nothing but a million thoughts buzzing in my head weighing heavily on my heart.

The problem with a strong mind is it makes you overanalyze things. When there’s a 99% chance of success, a strong mind will have you stress over the 1% chance of failure. When a girl rejects you in a respectful polite way, a strong (but abusive) mind will have you ask yourself, “What’s wrong with me? Am I ugly? Am I not fun? Maybe there’s something wrong with how I dress. What is it?”. An abusive brain will make you over think things and make you worry even when there’s nothing to worry about.

As a result of my abusive brain, occasionally, I can hear my brain whispering to me, “This is why your dad left you. This is why no one likes you. This is why you hardly have any friends. This is why your ex cheated on you. This is why this girl you like doesn’t like you. This is why no one listens to your ideas. This is why you lost that tender. This is why mom seems to like your sister more than you.”… And whenever this happens I fall 6 feet deep into a pool of depression.

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This abusive relationship with my brain has to end! But what can I do? It’s not like I can divorce my brain. There’s nothing I can do but cover up the scars with an emotional scarf & an imaginary band aid, step into the public, smile and pretend all is well.

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